People have been trying to convince me since my first pregnancy that summer due dates are “just easier”. I gave birth to the Spawn in August, the apex of summer time. Maxi dresses, open shoes, and ice cream trucks galore! Hard to argue against all that goodness, right?
WRONG! Summer pregnancies can SUCK IT. I was miserable during my last pregnancy precisely because of all the uncomfortable crap that summer brings. Now that I am pregnant for a second time and the due date falls in December, my “larger months” (aka, the last trimester when everything in your body just starts to take on epic proportions) are in the fall and early winter. So far, it has been GLORIOUS. No, truly. I am basking, frolicking, no, I am PRANCING like a goddamn deer on ecstacy in this weather. This morning it was -2 degrees Celsius (28 F)…and I was squealing with delight. Winter is where the pregnancy party’s at. And I brought ALL the receipts.
- Your extremities swell up to gargantuan proportions in the heat and humidity of summer. Have you seen this finger?! I had to apply half a tub of Vaseline, offer a virgin squirrel sacrifice to the gods AND call the fire department to take my wedding band and engagement rings off (ok, maybe only one of those statements is true). And it still looks like a rabid raccoon tried to eat my finger. This was only on month 4 of 9! Cold weather is kind. Cold weather lets you wear all your rings, all the time. And lets your legs stay at their normal size, instead of looking like elephant thighs wearing birkenstocks.
- In the wintertime, your pregnancy glow is real. You don’t have to ask yourself if you’re glowing because of your pregnant magnificence or because you are leaking sweat like Brett Kavanaugh in a room full of women he has assaulted. Winter lets your true pregnant shine come through, without getting a hernia trying to wipe off corners of your body you can’t even reach anymore.
- Pregnant sweat is so much stinkier and more offensive than regular lady sweat. Your lady parts, instead of smelling like the portal of life into the world, smell more like the entrance to Hades and the Underworld. And no matter how many showers you take, it feels like you can’t get rid of the smell, so you walk around all day wondering if everyone else around you notices it. Winter doesn’t want you to smell bad, mamita! Spray that perfume all over your sexy self and bounce all over town in your deliciously fragrant cloud.
- NO SHAVING WOOOHOOO! Winter doesn’t care if you can put in braids on your hairy legs, or if your bikini line looks like the thorny forest Maleficent summoned around Sleeping Beauty’s palace. No bending over, reaching past your belly and sweating everywhere while you try to bulldoze into oblivion all those fuzzies (how the hell do they grow back so quickly, anyway?!).
- “But there are so many fun things to do in the summer”! NO. Fun summer activities are NOT fun when you have a hyper fetus kicking your ribcage and bladder while you try to soak up the sun. You can’t lie on your back for long, and you sure as hell can forget about lying on your belly. Major tanning fail. Fun summer activities are limited because lord knows a boat ride on the wrong day could result in any of the following: premature contractions, bladder failure, sun stroke, the everpresent stinkiness (have you ever tried to hold in a fart while pregnant and on a bumpy boat ride?! It’s ATROCIOUS. Also, you will fail spectacularly and try to pass the buck to your husband).
- No water parks for you either, missy! You can’t even go on the slides without worrying about whether or not your pregnant ass is going to get stuck halfway down. And if you go to the beach, good luck getting sand out of your crack, and all the extra folds your pregnant body has acquired. Forget looking like a Baywatch babe coming out of the waves. If you’re lucky, you will look like a drunken, horny penguin waddling aimlessly on the beach. If you’re not, there will be a rogue wave that will assault you out of nowhere, leading you to faceplant in spectacular fashion.
- Winter doesn’t want you to feel like an obese elephant seal melting away in the sun. Sure skating is out of the picture, as are skiing and snowboarding. But at least you can walk outside without getting a heat stroke, while sweating like a possessed hyena. And you will find all the snowmen on people’s lawns surprisingly relatable in their beautiful fluffy roundness.
- And I don’t know about you, but my pregnant boobs are MAJESTIC, but also extremely demanding when it comes to personal space. They hate the confinement of bathing suits, no matter the style. I have flashed too many unsuspecting teenagers and robbed them of their last filaments of innocence with my bodacious preggo titties. Winter is all about cuddling with a warm drink under cozy blankets and relaxing in sweat pants, without traumatizing budding young men with your womanly juiciness.
- One the many superpowers that are included in the pregnancy package is our super sense of smell. I can smell a pigeon farting 4 blocks away from me. Deadass. So in the summer, when other people’s body odours (especially on public transport), trash piles sitting in the scorching sun, urine and other generally obnoxious smells assault you, remember this: Winter wouldn’t do that to you. The cold weather keeps all that shit at bay, so you can focus on inhaling the vapours of your delicious hot chocolate, instead.
- Final thought: I don’t need summer to eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting. I’ll eat that shit when it’s -30 outside. Forget the little ice cream cones. Tubs of ice cream at home when you’re 8 months pregnant, while wearing reading socks and watching Netflix as the leaves fall outside. That’s the good shit right there.
But wait, there’s MORE!
BONUS POINTS:
- Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales! Hold off your baby and nursery shopping until this magical weekend in November and save a ton of shmoney, like a bo$.
- Halloween costumes are way more fun when you can use your baby bump. The possibilities are endless. I was a pregnant WonderWoman and it was glorious. Because moms are all superheroes, get it?
- Christmas gift shopping got you down? Psshh, easy peasy. Everyone gets the same, unbeatable gift this year: a brand spankin’ new human! I dare anyone tell you that it’s not the best present ever and that it’s not enough. If they do, just sit back and enjoy while everyone else literally tears to shreds the insensitive, materialistic asshole.
In conclusion: Summer = kiss my beautiful third-trimester ass.
Winter = my papi chulo. Let’s make sweet, sweet love.
