Baby showers are great: you have an excuse to get a bunch of gifts, there’s usually cake and cupcakes, you enjoy the company of the people who attend (other than those random family members you’ve been told must be invited or risk some kind of weird brujería spell) and you’re usually not responsible for the clean up after the event. Win-win-win all around.
Except, the party isn’t really about you. It’s about the baby. I mean, sure, everyone there is celebrating your induction into the Hall of Moms, but without the offspring portion of the equation, you wouldn’t be getting much attention from all these lovely people (no offense).
While traditional baby registries remain an important rite of passage, I think it’s high time we look out for Momma’s wellbeing, too. The first year of a baby’s life is crazy, overwhelming and brutal for a woman. The entire focus is always on making sure baby gets to her first birthday alive; but what about Mom? She’s a newborn, too, in many ways, and she gets little to no time to absorb this gargantuan change that rocks her physical, mental and emotional cores. So help Mama-to-be make time for herself.
I love babies, but for this one time, fuck ’em; let’s give Mama something to enjoy, too. Without further ado, here’s the realest Mama registry I could come up with.
- Cleaning service coupon. Seriously, this one is such an easy lifechanger. Mama will barely have time to shower more than once a week, let alone clean up after everyone’s shit while she’s busy wiping said shit off her clothes and baby’s ass. Get her a voucher or prepaid account to hire a cleaning service when she is in dire need but can’t muster the energy or find the time. A clean house is aloe vera for the soul.
- Spa gift card. But not an access gift card to a spa for a day. She can’t do that, so don’t be an asshole. Get her a coupon for a facial, massage, manicure and pedicure, hair treatment, whatever. What’s crucial here is that she gets some time to get taken care of on her terms, on her schedule, when she’s ready.
- A new vibrator. You read that right. Listen, thinking about sex after birth can be a terrifying thing for some. Your body feels weird, you may have legit health reasons for no penis playtime, you don’t feel sexy and everything hurts. Sometimes it takes a woman a long time to be ready for sex after having a baby. But a good orgasm is a huge stress reliever and with her new friend she can choose when to dedicate some TLC to her kooch and get back on track to feeling like her badass, sexy self again. If you don’t know what she’s into, get her a gift card for an online sex store. Key word being online: the goodies should be shipped to her. Having to take baby and stroller to a sex store? Yeah, no. Also, if the Bullet is more her steez, don’t go all nuts and buy her a 20-inch rotating dildo, for the love of Christ.
- Meal Train Plan. What’s a meal train, you ask? It’s when friends and family take turns over a specific period of time to provide food for someone. Things are going to be a total clusterfuck after baby arrives and food planning for Mama and her partner will be the last thing on their minds. Have you ever tried to cook food for a week while running on 2 hours of sleep? Exactly, you wouldn’t. So be a star and round up a few friends to contribute to a meal train schedule. You can just put it together on your own, or use a website like this one if you prefer relying on technology to organise things. Just make sure you are all aware of any dietary restrictions. Also, maybe don’t be a dick and try to shove kale or some other ultra uber food that tastes like hippo ballsack. Give the new parents some nourishing, thoughtful comfort food.
If you and your crew can’t boil an egg, get Mama an UberEats or Foodora gift card. - Amazon Prime membership. Cheapest diapers around, for one, with their family subscription plan (available only to Prime members). A bunch of awesome TV shows she can binge on while breastfeeding or rocking the baby to sleep for 45 minutes. And also, she can get her online shopping done without having to pay for shipping. Boom.
- Sephora gift card (or any other online beauty store). Because seriously, every time you buy beauty products and get them in the mail, it’s like you’re getting yourself a care package full of sunshine and roses. Help Mama take care of herself in the easiest way possible: delivered right to her front door.
There you have it, babes. The ultimate ride-or-die sisterhood registry list your future Mama doesn’t even know she needs yet. So when you go shopping for the 36th swaddle blanket for the baby, remember to slip at least one of the above in the goodie bag. And if your friend is having baby #2 (or 3, 4, whatever), DEFINITELY give her at least a couple of these. She will appreciate it more than you will ever know.
